When Michelle and Greg got married, they made sure to wait until they were ready to start a family. After Michelle and Greg both finished their degrees and settled into their careers, Michelle went off the pill and they eagerly began trying to conceive.
For the first few months, sex was exciting and charged with hope and dreams of the baby they would soon hold in their arms.
Yet as the months went by, with each period and negative pregnancy test, the anxiety and fears mounted. Maybe getting pregnant wouldn’t be as easy as they expected.
Several tests and doctor’s visits later, Michelle and Greg found themselves in an infertility clinic, with specific instructions about when and how to have sex. The area of their relationship that was once reserved for passion and spontaneity, was now set on a schedule and involved medical professionals.
How infertility affects a couple’s sex life
Infertility can take a toll on a couple’s intimacy, as sex often becomes ladened with feelings of anxiety and stress. 53% of couples report that infertility causes sex to lose its fun and spontaneity.
Instead of being a time of connection and passion, sex can evoke feelings of failure, as it reminds couples of what they cannot accomplish. This could cause either partner to feel inadequate or ashamed.
Infertility can affect women and couples in a way that others may not understand. One may feel shame about oneself and one’s body. This can lead to feelings of isolation and take a toll on feeling sexual.
For both partners there can be a sense of loss as the dream of conception and family planning begins to look much different than they hoped and dreamed about.
For male partners who have a male factor issue, infertility can seem like it is a failure. It is common for men to become more stressed and can lead to changes in one’s sex life. They may understand their fertility challenge as a failure and feel like “less of a man.”
Healthy communication about sex and infertility can help couples feel less isolated and dressed.
Enhancing your relationship during infertility
Many couples report that coping with infertility actually brought them closer to their partner, strengthening the bond in their relationship.
Here are some suggestions to nurture your relationship during infertility:
- Work as a team. Regardless of who the “patient,” is, approach your infertility issues as a team–work together and avoid blaming.
- Spend quality time together. Plan dates, excursions, and vacations where the sole purpose is to enjoy each other’s company. Make it a rule for part of the time– to not discuss trying to conceive or fertility interventions.
- Separate baby-making from love-making. For couples struggling with infertility, sex can be on a timed routine, stressful, and an obligation . Set aside time to be together outside your fertility window. You may want to designate separate rooms in your house for baby-making sex.
- Build a support system. Infertility is usually stressful for both partners. Seek support from others in your life and give yourself another outlet to cope.
- Reach out for help. Infertility can create tension between a couple. Consider counseling as a resource for support. Don’t wait until the situation gets overly stressful. You do not have to go through this challenge alone.
Infertility counseling
Pamela Kelberg MSSW, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. Feel free to contact me no matter what stage of treatment you are going through. I am here for you. To make an appointment, call now, or just fill out the form and click Send.
Looking for support with your relationship, sex, and infertility? I can help you with individual or couples therapy, or try our support group for infertility.
Appointments are available in our Bala Cynwyd office, conveniently located right off of City Avenue and virtually in our Philadelphia office.
Our Bala Cynwyd office is convenient to Center City Philadelphia, East Falls, Mt. Airy/Chestnut Hill, Manayunk, Roxborough, Wynnewood, Overbrook, Villanova, St. David’s, Broomall, Gladwyne, West Conshohocken, Penn Valley, Merion Station, Ardmore, and Narberth.
